Losing love to revenge
by sidders
Summary: Arthur and Merlin admit their feelings for each other and are blissfully happy together - until Arthur has to face his duty to Camelot, and find a wife and produce an heir. Bitter, heartbroken and hell-bent on revenge, Merlin leaves camelot...for now.
1. Chapter 1 worry lines

Worry lines

Merlin awoke to the sunlight steaming through the window into his face. He was about to roll over and try to get back to sleep when he remembered, today was Gaius's birthday. Getting up and dressing in a rush he slunk out of his room, trying to make as little noise as possible. Gaius was still asleep, and there was a golden glow in Merlin's eyes as the blanket that had fallen to the ground in the night snaked its way up the bed to cover Gaius's sleeping form.

10 minutes later and Merlin and Gwen were just adding the finishing touches to the cake Gwen had made yesterday, and were beginning the awkward task of ferrying all the presents and cake to Merlin and Gaius's rooms.

The place was spotlessly clean; Merlin had made sure of it after he was certain Gaius was totally unconscious the night before, so he could not be reprimanded by the old man for using his magic for "menial tasks" as he liked to call them.

Merlin and Gwen had thoroughly enjoyed seeing the physicians surprise and delight upon waking to find a small pile of presents and a large cake all for him. He had made short work of the presents, and was now wearing the new scarf Gwen had made for him, while perusing through the science books from Merlin, and enjoying a large slice of cake – a slightly unhealthy breakfast, but excusable on your birthday.

A soft knock on the door interrupted them followed by Morgana's head poking around the door.

"Oh good, you're up, happy birthday Gaius!"

She handed him a small parcel wrapped in lavender coloured paper.

"I'm sorry it's not much..." she said trailing off. Gaius however was grinning happily at the new eagle feather quills and ink.

"Milady, you are far too kind" he said quietly.

"Nonsense Gaius, you've treated me since I can remember, this is the least I could do" Morgana brushed off his thanks with a wave of her hand.

They remained in this fashion for a few hours, happily chatting and reminiscing, till Merlin remembered Arthur, and rushed out the door before the others even had time to register what was happening.

"I'm sorry I'm so late sire, I-"Merlin began, before noticing that Arthur was still asleep, with his blonde hair messed up and sticking out at strange angles. Merlin looked at Arthur for a few moments, a fond smile playing on his lips, before backing out of the room silently to get the prince's breakfast.

Arthur woke to find his breakfast all laid out for him, and clothes and shoes ready on the chair by his bed, room cleaned and a bath waiting for him, still hot. He usually awoke to see Merlin stumbling around the room incompetently, he wasn't sure he liked waking up to find everything done properly, it was unnerving somehow.

When Merlin returned he found the prince standing by the chair near his bed, still in his nightclothes, and staring at his outfit for the day as if it were a complicated puzzle he couldn't quite figure out.

"There you are Merlin! What do I do?" he asked a note of panic in his voice.

Merlin couldn't help noticing that the prince looked different somehow. Was it just the bright sunlight shining on him that made Arthur look paler than usual? Was it just the heat of the sunny summer afternoon that had caused the sheen of sweat on his forehead? Was it just his recent late nights from summer feasts that had formed a purplish tinge around his eyes?

*

That day, after helping Arthur to dress, Merlin cleaned the stables, washed the princes' clothes, scrubbed the floor, remade the bed with new sheets and got the princes lunch. Arthur had been unusually quiet all day, not once insulting Merlin, and always saying "please" after ordering him to do something. This was not usual behaviour and Merlin was about to ask what was wrong when…

"Merlin"

"Yes Arthur?"

"I...Uh…it's just that…"Arthur began, looking slightly dazed.

"Yes?" Merlin prompted him, worry lines forming on his forehead

"Nothing" Arthur sighed, falling back with a thud to lie on his bed, closing his eyes and murmuring incoherently about tiredness and needing sleep. Walking over to sit by him, Merlin laid a hand on the princes' head, checking for a temperature. If Arthur was acting strangely he might be ill, Merlin reasoned. Almost unconsciously he began to stroke the princes' hair, smoothing it back from his face, as Arthur sighed sleepily again, this time whispering…

"Night night Merlin…lo…" whatever he had been about to say was cut off as he rolled over, smothering his words with his pillow.

Merlin stood up and walked to the door, carrying the leftover lunch dishes with him. As he looked back one last time he couldn't help but think how pale the prince looked, with huge shadows under his eyes as if he hadn't slept in a week. He looked even worse than he had that morning. Frowning slightly with worry, Merlin turned to leave, making a mental note to ask Gaius to check up on him later that evening. If Arthur didn't look after himself better, Merlin was going to get a permanent worry line between his eyebrows.

The door closed with a quiet thud just as Arthur murmured in his sleep again

"M…Merlin"


	2. Chapter 2 Always and forever

**This is my first ever fan fic. So please R&R advice would be much appreciated. I tried to make this chapter a bit longer than the first one, which I know was quite short. Hope you like =]**

**Disclaimer: sadly I own nothing…it's all the property of the BBC. If I did own it, Merthur would replace Arthur/Gwen.**

* * *

Arthur was lying in bed, as he had been every day this week. He was asleep, but even sleeping he looked tired, stressed, scared even. Merlin wished there was something he could do. Since he had first spotted him looking ill on Gaius's birthday, Merlin had watched in fear as Arthur's condition deteriorated. He was hardly eating, sleeping often but for short amounts of time, and restless, tossing and turning in his sleep, arms flailing about wildly. Sometimes he would wake screaming, his eyes wide staring at some unknown terror only he could see. Often he would wake crying and violently trembling, and nothing but Merlin holding him in his arms and rocking him gently, whispering that everything would be okay could soothe him.

Uther grew more and more scared for his son every passing day, and his anger at Gaius grew for not being able to cure, or even identify, what was wrong with the prince. To vent his frustrations and drown his fears, the king was more violent, angry and tyrannous than ever before, seeing treachery and betrayal in every corner of the kingdom. Merlin would never admit it, but he empathised completely with the kings actions.

Merlin felt like a tiny shard of his heart broke off and was lost every time he saw Arthur in this state. He couldn't stand to look at him, but nor could he turn his gaze away from the man he loved, and was so afraid of loosing. He had become aware of his more-than-friendly feelings towards Arthur after having seen him with Sophia. He hadn't been aware of how strong emotions could be until he'd heard Arthur talk about her, seen the way he looked at her. The jealousy had coursed through his veins like a poison, and it was all he could do not to smash everything breakable in sight, shatter it into a million pieces just like his heart was shattering.

But then the spell had broken, he had saved Arthur, and since that day his feelings only got stronger and stronger towards the Prince. His prince. And now, he was going to loose him again, as he had come so close to doing so many times before. The difference was that then he had known what to do, he'd had a plan, but now…he had nothing. He didn't even know what was wrong with Arthur; let alone how to help him. All he could do was sit up night after night by his bedside, hoping for some change, some improvement in the prince's condition. He held Arthur when he cried, calmed him when he screamed, and soothed him when he was in pain. It was all he could do.

"Merlin…is that…that you?" the prince asked, his voice breaking and barely a whisper.

"I'm here, I'm here…shhh…don't worry" Merlin murmured, stroking Arthurs hair back from his face, out of his eyes.

"Merlin I'm sorry. I was always so horrible to you. You were a brilliant manservant really…I'll miss…you" Arthur gazed intently at Merlin, who looked worriedly back at him.

"I'm right here; I'm not going anywhere" said Merlin "why do you speak in the past tense?"

"I…I'm dying Merlin"

"NO! DON'T YOU DARE SAY THAT! NEVER AGAIN DO YOU HEAR ME?" Merlin jumped up at the princes' words, his voice full of rage and hurt, tears spilling down his cheeks.

"Why Merlin, it almost sounds like you care…" Arthur smiled weakly, his eyes glazing over again slightly as they slid in and out of focus.

"Almost? You prat. Of course I care, more than you can imagine. I…I lo…I love you, Arthur, with all my heart, and everything I am. So don't you die, don't you dare leave me!" Merlin could hardly see Arthur now, half blinded as he was by the tears he couldn't hold back any longer. He'd never told the prince how he felt, never admitted it to anyone but himself, but that didn't matter anymore. He no longer cared about propriety or what was right, he didn't care that he could be thrown into jail for what he'd just said, his only thought was that Arthur could not – would not – die. He forbid it.

"You…you do?" the smile that lit up Arthurs face made him look like an angel. "I love you too Merlin. I should have told you before…" the princes' eyelids fluttered then closed, and Merlin felt his heart stop beating for a few seconds until he realised the prince was only sleeping. With a soft kiss on the lips, so hesitant it almost didn't happen, Merlin left, returning to his own room for the first time in 3 nights. He lay down on his bed, casting his gaze around the messy room without seeing. All he could see was his own imagination, of him and a fully recovered Arthur, together, happy. The thought made him smile the goofy grin he hadn't smiled in over a week, the grin almost exclusively reserved for Arthur. His prince loved him too, and he wasn't going to die. No matter what, he would be okay. With renewed hope Merlin allowed himself to drift off to sleep, dreaming of Arthur.

*

The next morning, Merlin woke up feeling refreshed. He remembered last night's revelations and smiled softly to himself. Tugging on his trousers and shirt as fast as possible, he sprinted out of his room, almost falling flat on his face as he tripped over a chair leg, but managing to catch himself on the edge of the table before flinging himself out of the door.

He stepped into Arthurs chambers without knocking, desperate to see his face. Arthur was sitting up in bed already awake, and a smile that lit up the whole room appeared on his face for a few wonderful seconds while Merlin's heart raced. Then the look of radiant joy on the Prince's face was suddenly replaced by a look of doubt. Arthur's eyebrows knit together in a worried frown, while he bit his lip. Seeing this, Merlin's own smile faltered, and he hesitated before walking over to the bed and tentatively placing an arm around Arthur.

"Arthur. Are you feeling better?" Merlin asked softly "what's wrong"

"I…yes I feel much better, thank you" Arthur said quietly, giving Merlin a small smile.

Merlin gave the princes shoulder a squeeze, reluctant to let go of him, but eventually set about lighting the fire and tidying the room. It was still very early, no one else would be awake yet, and he didn't want to keep Arthur from resting so he tried to be as quick and quiet as possible.

"Merlin" Arthur whispered softly "did you mean it –what you said last night?"

Merlin looked up and big blue eyes locked onto his, an intense gaze filled with fear, worry, love and hope.

"Yes. Of course. Always" Merlin said more calmly than he felt. What if the prince had just been rambling in a fever? Of course he wouldn't have meant what he said last night, in the state he was in; he was the prince of Camelot for goodness sakes, he would never love a servant. Merlin felt his heart hurt, fluttering wildly against his rib cage as he quietly asked "did you?"

He kept his eyes to the floor, not daring to look up and see the disgust he was suddenly sure would be visible on the prince's face, and not wanting to hear the answer to his question. He fought the overwhelming desire to run that was building inside him, and waited for the Prince's rejection that was sure to come. He had his eyes shut tight, so didn't see the Prince approach till he felt gentle arms wrap around him, pulling him close. He looked up see Arthur staring at him so adoringly he thought his heart might burst.

"Always, and forever" Arthur said quietly, before lowering his lips to Merlin's.

**

* * *

**

**Not really sure about the ending of the chapter, kinda lame isn't it? **

**Reviews would be great if you have the time, any advice welcome**


	3. Chapter 3 Jealous, Arthur?

**Next chapters up =] bit of smut in this one as Arthur and Merlin's relationship progresses ;)**

**Please R&R would be much love if you do. I'm not even really sure about continuing this story, a bit on the fence atm, although I'll probably do a few more chapters at least and see where it takes me. **

**I still sadly do not own anything; it's all the property of the BBC. But who knows, maybe Santa will be awesome this year and bring me Bradley James for x-mas? :p **

* * *

"_MER_LIN!"

Arthur had been yelling at the top of his voice for about 5 minutes now, but Merlin was in no hurry to get to him, knowing it would be just another request that he plump the princes pillows, or refill the water jug like he'd been doing for the last two weeks…and Merlin really was quite busy at the moment.

Gaius had asked that as the prince was feeling better (although he wasn't yet allowed to leave his room) Merlin didn't need to be with him all the time, and could he possibly tidy his room.

Wading knee-deep through a sea of clothes, books, quills and god only knew what else, and with an armful of rubbish he was trying to shove into his wardrobe, Merlin really wasn't in the mood for one of the prince's ridiculous requests. Despite the fact that he loved the prince, and by some miracle the prince loved him too (Merlin started to smile to himself every time he thought of it), it didn't change the fact that he thought Arthur was a prat. Probably, he always would be.

"There you are!" Arthur huffed as Merlin walked in 20 minutes later "what took you so long"

"Sorry, I was outside" Merlin lied smoothly "someone just told me a few moments ago that you called"

"Oh, okay then"

There were a few moments of silence before Merlin asked "so why did you call?"

"Oh yes" said Arthur looking like he'd just woken from a daydream he'd been having "I just wanted you to kiss me" he said with a small smile.

Merlin complied and didn't break away until he was dizzy from lack of oxygen. Seeing Merlin's lack of awareness Arthur took the opportunity to tickle Merlin mercilessly, until he was crying from laughter, his feeble attempts at pushing Arthur away having totally failed. A knock on the door interrupted them, and Merlin jumped up off the bed, quickly fixing his hair and smoothing his clothes so it looked less like they'd been doing something suspicious. He answered the door and came face to face with Gwen. Merlin stood, mouth gaping open for a few seconds, before realising the striking resemblance he bore to a fish right at that moment, and closed it again, blinking a few times. Guinevere looked amazing! She had her hair styled elegantly in a complicated knot at the base of her neck, and was wearing a long silk gown, the colour of midnight, and covered in small jewels that had been sewn onto it. It also revealed a lot of her impressive cleavage.

"Y…you…you look….erm…..good" said Merlin shyly.

"Ahem" came a noise from behind them, as Gwen turned a brilliant shade of red. They looked around to see that Gwen wasn't the only one who'd gone red. Arthur had too, and looked distinctly put out about something.

"Sorry sire, Morgana asked me to bring you these" she said, holding up a pair of boots and a shirt folded in her arms "for the ball tomorrow"

"Yes, thank you, of course Guinevere, just give them to Merlin there and he can sort it out" the prince gave her a dazzling smile that lit up his whole face, making him look even more handsome than usual.

She handed the clothes to a vacant looking Merlin, and left feeling more than a little bemused. The moment the door closed Arthurs smile disappeared, and was replaced by a very sour look directed at Merlin, who didn't see it because he was too busy staring into space caught up in the middle of a daydream about just how gorgeous Arthur looked when he smiled, and how much he'd like to…

"_Merlin_!"

The sorcerer was brought back to reality with a snap, and turned to look questioningly at a very red-faced Arthur. If looks could kill, Merlin thought, he might just be in serious trouble.

"What's wrong, Arthur?"

"Wrong! You're wrong! What do you think you were doing just now?"

"I have no idea what you're talking about" said merlin honestly, and starting to feel a little hurt at the way the prince was looking at him "if you mean me daydreaming, I always do that, it never seemed to bother you befo…"

"No Merlin, not that. I mean the way you were looking at Gwen like something to eat" said Arthur, and he actually pouted a little.

Upon seeing Arthur sitting with his arms crossed, frowning and pouting, Merlin couldn't help but laugh.

"What, may I ask, is so funny?" Arthur said crossly. He didn't see any humour in this situation at all.

After a few deep breaths, a relapse into hysterical giggling, and a few more deep breaths, Merlin managed to ask "Arthur, are you jealous?"

Seeing his manservant laugh at him wounded Arthurs pride deeply, and he gave Merlin the most withering look he could manage, however he couldn't stop the hurt he felt at Merlin eyeing-up someone else from leaking into his expression.

"You know, she is very attractive though isn't she" said Merlin, sitting on the bed next to Arthur and snaking an arm around his shoulders. Arthur tried to shrug him off half-heartedly, but Merlin wouldn't let go. Instead he leaned in closer, whispering "she's got nothing on you though" then pressing his lips against Arthur's neck.

Smiling, Arthur leaned into Merlin, arching his back and moaning at his lovers touch. Merlin grinned a little to himself, and then bit down on Arthurs collarbone, making him yelp.

Feeling that it was undignified for princes to yelp, Arthur decided it was time to take control. He would teach his manservant to go looking at other women, however attractive they may be.

Raising his arms to grip Merlin's shoulders, he pulled him closer, crushing their lips together, and pushed him down onto the bed, trailing kisses down his servant's neck. Now it was Merlin's turn to moan in pleasure as Arthur reached a hand down to rub the bulge between his legs.

Merlin ripped of the princes shirt, removing several buttons in the process (which he would have to stitch back on later), and trailed a hand down his chest, sighing at the perfection of the muscles there. He always felt slightly self-conscious looking at Arthur, and more than a little inadequate. As if reading his mind, Arthur murmured "you're perfect" quietly, and removing Merlin's shirt and pants in a sudden frenzy, kissing and biting his way from Merlin's neck to his hips. Looking his servant right in the eye, the prince started to rub the rim of his errection, so he had to bite his lip to keep from moaning too loudly. It wouldn't do for the guards to hear them.

"Trousers off!" Merlin tried to demand, but it sounded more like begging.

Hearing the desperation in his voice, Arthur decided to drag out Merlin's torture a little longer. He took his hand from Merlin's cock, which he had been rubbing rhythmically up and down, and began to remove his trousers painfully slowly, ignoring Merlin's squeak of protest at the removal of his hand.

"Please…Arthur…" Merlin moaned

"Tut tut. Very impatient aren't we?" Arthur smirked "I knew I could have you begging"

"Yes" Merlin panted as Arthur settled himself on top of him "yes Arthur, I'm begging you, please…"

Arthur began trailing kisses across every part of his manservant's body he could reach, and gasped when Merlin tangled his hand into Arthurs blonde hair, dragging his face up to meet Merlin's in a fierce kiss that left them both gasping.

Raising himself up onto his hands, Arthur placed his fingers on Merlin's lips, his intentions quite clear. Merlin took the princes fingers into his mouth and sucked on them, causing Arthur to blush deeply at the smouldering look in Merlin's eyes. He'd never seen him look so sexy.

Becoming impatient himself now, he removed his fingers from his servant's mouth, and reached down to slowly insert one finger into Merlin's ass. He stopped there, giving him time to adjust, then inserted two more fingers, and massaging slowly to prepare him.

Once Merlin was ready, he buried himself in him to his full length, earning a cry of ecstasy from his lover.

"Arthur, more, please" Merlin groaned "move"

Arthur obeyed, barely keeping control, and began to move in time with Merlin's thrusting to meet him.

"_MER_LIN!" Arthur cried, as Merlin groaned and they came at the same time.

Arthur rolled off his servant, only to wrap his arms around him and continue to press kisses to his neck with murmured "I love you"'s.

Merlin smiled sleepily, and pulled Arthurs arms tighter around him.

**So I figured it was about time I got a sex scene in there ;)**

**Also trying to slowly integrate Gwen into the story now, and she'll become more prominent in the next few chapters.**

**Might not be updating for a while though as I need to organise my ideas as to where this is going, and I have mock exams coming up – fun times.**

**Please let me know what you think – worth continuing? Merci mon petit chou-fleur's **


	4. Chapter 4 The Puppet

**Sorry I took ages to update….mocks, Christmas, exams coming up...busy busy busy**

**Disclaimer: I do not own anything, although I wish I did.**

**Review and I shall love you forever. It's a big help if anyone has ideas or suggestions, or challenges or anything then just let me know. I like to hear if you're enjoying the story or not so much.**

**This is a short one:**

'It feels nice to just lie here' thought Merlin, with Arthur's strong arms encircling him, and his head resting on the prince's chest. He could hear his master's heartbeat, and it gave him a thrill to realise it was beating in time with his own. The sunlight was streaming through the window – it was just past midday – and it fell upon Arthur, making him look slightly angelic as the light caught his hair, so it shone bright gold.

He really was so beautiful; it almost hurt to look at him, but despite this Merlin never wanted to stop looking.

Supposing he'd better tidy up a bit and get some lunch for Arthur, who got very grumpy when he was hungry, Merlin started to rise, carefully trying not to wake Arthur.

He speedily dressed, fixed his hair and slashed his face with cold water from the basin he had forgotten to empty earlier. When he was sure he looked acceptable, or at least better than he had, he quietly slipped out the door, sparing one last glance at his sleeping prince, and shutting the door softly with a small smile playing on his lips.

*

When he returned over an hour later (he'd decided to take a detour via his and Gaius's rooms and get properly cleaned up and change his shirt before getting some food) it was to find Arthur sitting on the end of his bed, fully dressed and pulling on a pair of boots, a look of utmost concentration on his face. Merlin had to stifle a laugh when he noticed the prince was trying to pull the boot onto the wrong foot.

Wondering if this was the cause of the look on Arthur's face or if something else was distracting him and causing the difficulty with the boots, Merlin walked over and knelt down to give the prince some help.

The prince said nothing the whole time Merlin was helping him, but just watched silently, a variety of expressions crossing his face, but most prominently one of sadness. Merlin, with his face down, did not see this, and by the time he looked up from his task Arthur had replaced this look with a convincing smile. The prince never found it hard to smile when he looked at Merlin; he was just so damn beautiful.

"I've got to do a shift on watch duty for a few hours. During which time you need to finish tidying my chambers, including sweeping under the bed Merlin, its filthy" said Arthur "and then you need to muck out my stables."

"Yes sire" Merlin sighed audibly. He knew he would still have to do chores, he was after all the prince's manservant as well as his lover, but mucking out the stables was possibly his least favourite of his duties.

Arthur smiled apologetically at Merlin before giving him a brief kiss.

"And….." Arthur said quietly "there is a feast tonight as I'm sure you will remember; to celebrate the visit of Lord and Lady Malice. So you will need to be here a little earlier this evening to help me get ready, and to get ready yourself. It's a formal dinner, so my father will insist that all servants are dressed it official robes"

"NO!" Merlin shouted "not the hat, please Arthur I look ridiculous" Merlin begged.

Smiling sweetly the prince replied "we'll see how well you complete your chores and then I'll decide."

As Arthur watched Merlin leave, he thought about what he had neglected to tell Merlin, and what it was that was keeping his smile from quite reaching his eyes. Lord and Lady Malice had a daughter – Alice – and she was exceptionally beautiful, exactly the type of woman his father expected him to one day marry, which would of course mean he would be seated by her at the feast, and expected to behave civilly, politely, and to show some appreciation of her beauty at the very least, if he did not instantly declare his undying love for her and beg for her hand in marriage. He knew that all through dinner Lord and Lady Malice would be watching his movements closely, eager to marry their daughter to the Prince of Camelot. Also, his own father would be watching him closely, eager to secure a suitable queen, and therefore an heir to the kingdom.

He felt like he was a puppet, with several different puppet masters all pulling him and manipulating him to fit their own ends, but most importantly – they were all pulling him further and further from the man he loved, away from Merlin.

**So the angst starts to creep in. looking back the story has been very fluffy so far, but in the next few chapters its going to get a bit darker, as this is after all a revenge/tragedy story. **

**Reviews are loved and as I said before, I have no specific plan for this story, just a vague idea of the direction I want to go in, so any suggestions would be ace.**

**Thanks for reading :D hope you're enjoying it so far!**


	5. Chapter 5 The ball & what Arthur did

**Chapter 5 is up, I know it's been a long wait sorry. Enjoy!**

"_Mer_lin! Will you try and concentrate!" snapped Arthur, his patience wearing out as his manservant tried to help him into his shirt while it was inside out. "This is the 6th mistake you've made while helping me dress for this feast Merlin, where is your head?"

"Oh, I'm sorry sire" said Merlin quietly, fixing the shirt the right way out.

Arthur chose to ignore the use of his title instead of his name, and didn't comment when Merlin trod on his foot, or when he nearly tripped and fell into the fireplace, but he continued to watch him closely, frowning slightly. In truth he was worried. He knew Merlin was always clumsy and often away with the fairies, but not usually to this extent.

Arthur darted forwards quickly to catch his manservant as he tripped over his feet while carrying Arthur's boots, and nearly went sprawling to the floor in a heap. He pulled the clumsy man gently to his feet and held on, afraid to let him go in case he fell again.

"Merlin?" Arthur asked quietly "what's wrong – no look at me" he said as Merlin tried to turn away, "please, won't you tell me what's upsetting you?"

"I'm not upset at all" said Merlin faking a smile unsuccessfully, attempting to pull away from Arthur and retrieve the boots that had fallen to the floor when he tripped.

"Don't lie to me; I know something is wrong, I can see it. Whenever you think I'm not looking your face gets this look that's almost heartbreaking in it's sadness, you're tripping all over the place, your head is in the clouds and…" here Arthur paused, not wanting to go on as what he'd been about to say would have betrayed his own emotions.

"I told you I'm fine, I'm just tired, very tired" Merlin said sighing, wriggling from Arthur's grip and moving away to fetch the boots and continue tidying. "And what?" he added as an afterthought.

"Huh?"

"You finished what you were saying on 'and…' what were you going to say?" Merlin enquired.

"Oh it's nothing, don't worry" said Arthur hurriedly, turning his head and trying to busy himself with lacing his boots, which Merlin had retrieved.

"It's not nothing you're a terrible liar you know Arthur, at least to me. What's wrong?"

"well…" began Arthur slowly "I was just noticing how, you…you keep calling me 'sire' instead of Arthur, and you haven't looked me in the eye all day, and you seem to be going out of your way to avoid me…you haven't come anywhere near me unless you absolutely have to, I was just worried if…have I done something…to upset you?"

Merlin just stood gaping at Arthur throughout this little speech, unable to believe it. Arthur looked so vulnerable and downcast. He stood for a few seconds, and then all at once rushed to his lovers' side, pulling him into a tight embrace. "Of course you haven't done anything, don't be stupid. I told you, I'm just really tired, I'm not really concentrating on what I'm doing properly that's all." Arthur nodded slightly, still struggling to regain his composure. "I've had too many late nights I suppose" Merlin added with a wink.

This did it and Arthur began to chuckle, his expression clearing. After a few moments he said quietly "I suppose we'd better be getting to the feast then…" while walking to the door, looking back and indicating that Merlin should follow.

"I'll be there in a few moments. Just need to …erm….finish tidying" Merlin said quickly.

Merlin smiled until the door thudded shut, then loosing his composure his face clouded over, eyes brimming with tears and he crumpled to the floor, his head leaning back to rest against the foot of Arthur's four poster bed.

He hated these feasts, he hated all stupid silly occasions where he had to stand in the corner in a stupid hat, and watch silently as the daughters of kings and noblemen from surrounding kingdoms threw themselves at Arthur "like stupid desperate gold digging sluts…" Merlin thought to himself viciously. To make matters even worse, Arthur was obligated to be polite to them, to act as if he might even fancy some of them back; sometimes he even flirted with them. Meanwhile Merlin was left to stand totally alone and was ignored or ordered around all evening. He would never tell Arthur how he felt, he knew it wasn't his fault, it was just the duty of the prince to maintain good relations with the neighbouring kingdoms, but what hurt the most was that he knew himself and Arthur would not be able to remain together forever. One day Arthur would have to fulfil his duty to Camelot and produce an heir. This was something that Merlin could not do for him, so Arthur must take a wife. No matter how beautiful, or talented, or rich, or lovely, or kind-hearted these girls at the feasts were, Merlin couldn't help but hate them, knowing that one of them, one day, would take Arthur from him.

*

At the feast Arthur had been seated next to Lady Emily, who he had met at many previous occasions, and was one of the few whom he could actually stand to talk to at these functions. He had known her since they were young teenagers, and found her to be decent company as compared to the majority of nobles present at the feast, as she was intelligent and could hold a conversation without giggling stupidly and flicking her hair every five minutes. He also knew that she did not find him in the least bit attractive, and was in love with another man – one of the stable hands at her palace in fact, so Arthur felt like they had something in common. He knew however that both his and her father had hopes they would one day marry, and they found much entertainment in pretending to be attracted to one another, and then laughing at the delighted looks on Uther and King Julian's faces as they watched not-so-subtly from the other end of the table.

Merlin however was not in on the joke, and stood watching from the wall as Arthur and Emily laughed and chatted, every now and then leaning closer then laughing at some private joke, or touching each other flirtatiously on the arm. It took all his self control to keep his composure and not hit the silly slut over the head with the wine pitcher every time Arthur called him over to refill his goblet. Each time this happened Arthur would try to catch Merlin's eye and smile reassuringly or seductively at him, but Merlin in his jealously mistook these looks for mocking, and had to squeeze his eyes closed to keep the angry, hurt tears from spilling over onto his cheeks.

Arthur could see that Merlin was still upset about something; he hadn't been fooled in the slightest by the excuse of "just tired", and he continued to throw glances at him throughout the evening, a small frown creasing his brow as he worried about his manservant, lover, and best friend, who despite his best efforts refused to catch his eye.

"So he's the one, hmm?" Emily asked, seeing Arthur stare at his manservant for what must have been the hundredth time.

"I…wha…what are you talking about?" Arthur stuttered, trying to look nonchalant while blushed furiously.

"Don't play coy with me" Emily said smiling "I see how you look at him. He's the one you love, and the reason you're totally uninterested in any girl here"

"How do you know I'm not?" said Arthur, trying desperately to hide the depth of his feelings for Merlin from Emily. He didn't mind but he knew she would probably tease him to death about it later.

"Well for one thing you haven't paid any of them the slightest bit of attention all evening, you've just been staring at your manservant, and for another you didn't even seem to notice when Lady Adelaide tried to get you to dance. You walked right past her! The poor things apparently crying her eyes out in a corridor somewhere" Emily tried and failed to keep the amusement out of her voice. "Why don't you leave now, go talk to him, he seems upset about something. I'll cover for you, don't worry"

"Really? Oh Emily thank you! You're the best" said Arthur happily "it was lovely to see you again also, and god luck with that man of yours, he'd better treat you right or he'll have me to answer to"

"Stop trying to be gallant and go while you can!" Emily smiled, and gave him a light kiss on the cheek before he stood, and quickly left the hall, indicating to Merlin that he should follow.

"I'm very sorry your Highness, but Prince Arthur asked me to inform you that he finds himself unwell and has absented himself from the feast to retire early. He asked me to tell you also that it will not be necessary to check upon him tonight, his manservant shall ensure he is comfortable, he is sorry for his absence but hopes you enjoy the remainder of your evening" Emily said, kneeling before Uther and her father.

"Thank you Lady Emily for passing the message along" Uther said, smiling a smile that didn't reach his eyes.

"Your Highness, Father" she curtsied once more to both before resuming sitting, and taking the opportunity to think of her stable boy during the lapse in conversation.

*

Arthur sped along the castle corridors as fast as he could without running, eager to be away from the feast and alone with Merlin, for once not because he wanted to sleep with him, but because he was genuinely concerned for his servant's welfare. No matter what he said it was obvious something was bothering Merlin.

Merlin however was trailing behind, dragging his feet, and in no hurry to be anywhere near Arthur at this moment. After watching what he thought was Arthur flirting with Lady Emily all evening, and his worrying that his fears might be coming to pass sooner than he had expected, all he wanted to do was go to bed and curl up and cry. He knew it wasn't a manly thing to do, that it was the sort of thing that always meant Arthur called him a girl, but right now he didn't care about his master's opinion, he just needed to cry it out.

Merlin shuffled into Arthur's chambers, surprised to find an impatient Prince pacing nervously by the window, rather than sitting on the edge of the bed with an expectant look on his face. He stood awkwardly just in the doorway, letting the door swing shut slowly behind him. When it had thudded shut, Arthur stopped his pacing to turn and stare intently at Merlin for what seemed like an age.

"Merlin, why won't you tell me what's really wrong" Arthur murmured eventually.

"I did tell you –"

"No. No you didn't. I know you didn't. You've looked so upset all evening, what's wrong. Please just tell me." Usually Merlin would have responded instantly to the agonisingly worried look on Arthur's face, but this time it just made him angry.

"You really want to know what's wrong eh?" he began, a steely tone to his voice, "what's wrong is that I've been standing in a corner all evening watching you outrageously _flirting_ with that little _slut_ Lady Emily, while I get to serve you both drinks at your every beck and call, acting polite to the bitch while she tries to steal you from me!" Merlin could see from the look on Arthur's face that this time he had gone too far, he wasn't sure what Arthur would do to punish him, but strangely he didn't care, it felt good to get that off his chest.

"DO NOT SPEAK ABOUT HER LIKE THAT!" shouted Arthur outraged. "For your information Lady Emily is an old friend, I am not attracted to her in any sort of way, and she is not too me"

"That's not what it looked like to –" Merlin began to interrupt.

"That is because you did not know what you were looking at" stated Arthur abruptly, struggling to regain his temper "we flirt with each other at formal occasions such as these to amuse ourselves upon seeing the gleeful looks on our parents faces at the idea of such a match. That is all. I think of her as almost like another sister, nothing more" Arthur knew that Merlin was only angry because he was hurt, so tried to speak reassuringly and keep the anger he still felt at Merlin's abuse of his friend out of his voice. "For your information, she also happens to be head over heels in love with a servant at her palace – one of the stable hands – so I admit I feel we share a certain bond with things we have in common. Maybe next time you should ask before hurling abuse at innocent people" Arthur let some of the venom leak back into his words at the end, just to put Merlin in his place.

Merlin didn't look at Arthur as this was explained to him, but instead looked at the floor, as if it was the most interesting thing he had ever seen. This continued for some time, both men standing in silence, Arthur staring at Merlin, and Merlin staring at his feet. When he couldn't take it anymore Arthur asked, "Merlin. Look at me please." Merlin knew it was more of an order than a question, but he still didn't look up. The truth was that he was trying to hide his tears from the prince, but unsuccessfully.

"Merlin, why are you still upset? I've explained to you what happened, it was just a misunderstanding, lets just move on" Arthur was hoping they could just move on from all this, but he could see something was still upsetting Merlin, perhaps more than he was upset before.

Suddenly Merlin looked up, looked Arthur straight in the eye, and he was shouting again, but this time his words made Arthurs blood run cold, and instead of anger he felt despair.

"Move on? MOVE ON!? WHERE _TO_ ARTHUR? We can never be together properly,_ never_, I've just been deceiving myself all this time, willing myself to believe we could make it. You said 'always and forever' but you lied. You _LIED_ because one day your game of flirt-with-the-pretty-girl-to-please-the-king won't just be a game anymore. One day Arthur you'll get married, and rule Camelot, and produce and heir. And even if you don't love her at first, you will eventually. You will fall in love with you _wife_, and me…what will happen to me Arthur?" here Merlin's voice became a whisper, and his facial expression became haunted, afraid; "Me. I'll be forgotten. Unwanted. Just some servant who you used to have. Maybe you won't even remember my name. You'll leave me behind Arthur"

With that Merlin turned and fled from the room, his cries could still be heard from down the corridor.

Arthur wanted so desperately to run to Merlin, to hold him in his arms, and to tell him that everything would be alright, but he couldn't do it. He knew that every word Merlin said was true, and it was exactly what he himself was most afraid of.

'No' he thought to himself 'not every word was true…'

"I will never, _ever_ forget you Merlin. I will never stop loving you" Arthur whispered to the empty room.

**So...yet another angsty chapter. This one is really long compared to my other ones, and I thought I'd make up for how short the last one was. Hoped you liked it. Reviews are love. xx**


	6. Chapter 6 The midnight meeting

**I'm sorry I haven't updated in so long! All the usual excuses….coursework, homework, exams, life in general, and I really haven't had the time or the ideas to write anything. I was also getting pretty fed up with the story, it takes a long time to think of all the plot lines and how best to type them up, and I'm not very patient with writing. But I'm back, and I'll try and update a bit more frequently for a while. Thank you for being so patient with me!**

Arthur couldn't sleep that night.

After tossing and turning for hours on end with no luck, he decided to get up and go for a walk, quietly getting dressed and slipping out into the corridor, attempting to avoid the guards at the far end of the corridor.

He stole through the castle as quietly as possible, crouching in doorways and hiding behind pillars to avoid guards patrolling the corridors. Slipping out the front entrance by throwing a rock into the far corner to distract the guards, Arthur sprinted across the drawbridge and out of sight of the castle, slowing once he was sure no one was following to meander amongst the houses in the lower town.

He followed the path out of the city and into the forest, following the trail he usually took while hunting, until he passed the lake. Walking down to the shore, he noticed a figure under a tree sitting near the farther edge of the lake, and decided to take a look. He slipped back into the edges of the trees and crept cautiously around the lakeside, if the figure was trouble, he wanted to have the element of surprise on his side, or avoid being seen altogether, but as he got closer the figure began to look more and more familiar.

"Gwen!" Arthur exclaimed, surprised to see her in such an unusual situation "what are you doing?"

"Oh, Arth- I mean, my lord, I did not see you. I'm just, well I was, going for a walk, but I hurt my ankle so I was sitting to rest it a while. But what are…if you don't mind me asking…why are you here my lord, the king would be angry to know you'd been out without a guard, and any weapons, what if something happened to you?"

"I'm fine Gwen I can look after myself" Arthur said slightly annoyed at being chastised by a servant.

"You are the future king of Camelot, and the only heir, you ought to know better than to go off wandering by yourself!" Gwen didn't know why she was so angry, although Camelot being left without an heir was a valid reason for distress; she knew that that wasn't what bothered her.

"Guinevere, you are out by yourself, so it is somewhat hypocritical of you to reprimand me for the same thing, not to mention the fact that I have a dagger and you do not, I can fight and you can not. Also, I am perfectly aware that I am Camelot's only prince thank you very much, and you may do well to remember that next time you think to speak to me in such a way"

A shadow passed across Gwen's face, and she stood, humiliated, to leave. "I'm sorry my lord, I did not meant to offend you" she said quietly, making to leave, but Arthur put out his arm to stop her.

"I – Gwen I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that, I know you're just worried for me, please don't leave on my account, I'll go"

"No, no there's no need for you to go, it's fine" Gwen said re-taking her seat. She smiled a small smile at Arthur, and then looked out over the lake. Something he had said troubled her; "I know you're just worried for me", and that was just it, Gwen knew now what it was that had made her so angry at Arthur, she was scared of him getting hurt. She cared too much for him, and she knew that was dangerous, she would have to be very careful not to let it show.

"So…ahem...Er…how are you?" Arthur began awkwardly, not sure what the proper conversation format was when talking to your adopted sister's maid servant. It was so much easier to talk to Merlin, he thought.

"Oh, I'm well enough sire, and you?"

"I- I'm" he faltered "I'm fine, thank you Guinevere"

Too perceptive to fall for this response, Gwen decided to push the prince for answers. She knew Arthur and Merlin had had a fight, which was not unusual in itself, but they usually were fine again in about 20 seconds, and she had seen Merlin earlier that evening on his way back from Arthur's chambers, he'd looked distraught and as if he'd been crying.

"Sire, I don't mean to pry, but I know that's not true, what is wrong?"

"Of course it's true Gwen, what do you mean? What makes you think it's a lie?" Arthur said a little too quickly.

"Well, the way you said it, and…" she paused not sure how to continue. "And, I saw Merlin earlier, he looked…upset. I was just wondering if, did, erm… did you have a fight?"

Arthur was astonished. He had never really given Gwen much credit for anything except being nice (and fairly attractive), but he had to admit she was observant.

"it was nothing much, just a misunderstanding, I made some silly remark at the feast that upset him. I'll talk to him tomorrow, it will be fine" he assured her smoothly. But inside he was not so sure of himself, everything Merlin had said was true, they both knew it, and even as Merlin fretted matters were already underway…

"Well, if you're sure" Gwen said, placated, although not completely convinced. "So, are you excited for your visit to Lord and Lady Malice? I heard from Morganna that you'll be spending a whole week with them. That should be nice; I've heard there's some beautiful scenery near their castle"

"Hmm yes" was Arthur's only response. This is what had been bothering him all evening, it was the main reason he couldn't sleep, and why he come for a walk in the first place.

Alice, Lord and Lady Malice's daughter, was a great beauty by all standards, although not exceptionally bright, and very vain and spoilt. She was also very, very eligible, and he was being sent on this trip by his father, intent on his finding a bride. "Camelot needs a queen, Camelot will need an heir" it was becoming the only conversation he had with his father. He knew it was true, but he had been trying to ignore the fact, to put it off for as long as possible, and to forget about it, for one simple reason – Merlin.

He still had not told Merlin of the visit, even though they left in three days. He had been going to tell him after the feast, choosing to think of it more as a vacation for him and Merlin, than the set-up it was, but after their argument, how could he tell him now? Even if he did manage to fix things with Merlin tomorrow morning, everything would certainly fall apart again once he told him about the trip.

Arthur didn't know which was to turn. He was determined not to loose Merlin, but the whole universe seemed set against him.

Gwen noticed that Arthur seemed preoccupied with this discussion, clearly his mind elsewhere, "probably on the Lady Alice" she thought. Gwen wished she was beautiful as Alice was, that way she may have a chance with Arthur… "No!" she thought "I must not think of that. It's not even about beauty, its about status, you are a servant and he is the prince, pull yourself together!" but even as she told herself that, a small part of her mind was imagining what it would be like to have Arthur think of her the same way, what it was like to be near to him, what it would be like to kiss him…

"Well, I must get back, I need to be up early tomorrow, one of the kitchen staff are ill, and I'm needed to help prepare breakfast. Goodnight Arthur. I mean my Lord" Gwen turned away to hide her blushing from thinking about kissing Arthur, and tried to stand forgetting her ankle. She cried out in pain as she put weight upon it, and fell to the floor, landing half on top of Arthur.

"Are you okay? Gwen? What is it? What's wrong?" Arthur cried in alarm.

"M- my- my ankle" Gwen stuttered, clutching at it in pain "I'd forgotten I hurt it, I think it may be sprained"

"Don't worry, I'll carry you. I'll take you to Gaius"

And without another word he swept her up into his arms and set off through the trees to find the path that would take them back to Camelot, all the while thinking about how he could tell Merlin about their trip.

All the way back to Gaius's room, and even after Arthur had left her, saying goodnight, relieving her of her duties tomorrow, and promising to check on her if he could, Gwen was smiling softly to herself and daydreaming again about Arthur.

**There we go. It's the first time you get a real sense of Gwen in the story, and the plot thickens – what will happen on the visit to the castle of Malice?**

**R&R please ** ** x**


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